I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
