i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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