I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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