A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The air was thick with penises
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
