I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
