If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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