I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
