saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
