i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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