The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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