apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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