I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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