I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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