Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
