Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
