Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize