The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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