I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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