billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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