there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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