Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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