My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
