Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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