I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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