I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
