they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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