I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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