I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
