we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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