This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
