I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
