Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
