Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
