I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
