I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
