I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
