Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
