i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
