I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
