Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
