Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We are all done wearing pants today
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Pants are for mortals
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
