i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
