you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
