If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Rumble strips road head = magical
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
