My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize