i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
