you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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