Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
