a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
