New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
