I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Randomize
