i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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