sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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