dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
