I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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