My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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