the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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