and next time when you feel me up, do it right
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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