I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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