How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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