how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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