it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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