I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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